Retroactive

I want to apologize to my self, my dance teachers, and fellow dancers follow allowing my anger and frustration to get the best of me, and for expressing it unpleasingly. Every class is starting to get like that. I need to do yoga again, but I really dont fucking want to, I have other shit to do, but I know it's what I need, I know it's what's good for me.
I dont know if it's my past, or simply a lack of self control, but I keep letting negative thoughts and anger get the best of me, as I've developed a low tolerance for mistakes and a strong desire for perfection, skill, and power. The dance industry is competitive and I'm already 19. I do not wish to be at the same skill level as I was at last week, but good things come to those who wait. My pride is getting to me--linked to an unflinching desire to be great, glorious, to outbeat the others, to be a great dancer and make use of my time in class rather than just doing it for fun and exercise.
Yes, I know I should be doing it because I love it, which I do, but I also like being that damn good. So where do I draw the line between humility and pride? How can I recognize the different energies that I carry when I dance? How can I differ and choose one side? What do I do when the positive and negative thoughts combat one another while I am still needing to maintain concentration and physical ability? How does one win the battles of the mind while being bombarded with the frustration of the present moment?
Alonzo King told me that negative thought and dance cannot work together on the same plane, he says that negativity will destroy me. So where do I start? I don't want to be another regular Joe taking classes and not improving. My decisions, shortcomings, and unfortunate afflictions have cost me a great deal of time in my life, have robbed me of my dreams, and have brought me much anger and frustration.
I wish to be free from frustration, aggrivation, and irritation. I want to become my bigger self, the person I know that I can be, but I also know that It will take a little bit of work; because I've been that better person before, and as that person my most important endeavours were in love and understanding life.
Maybe I need not to worry so much about how good I'm getting--but then again if I'm a dance major I should be training like a freak, especially if I want to be a great dancer.

And there it is again:
Pride vs Humility
Independence vs Codependence
Selfishness vs Compassion
The desire for fame. Vanity.
Revenge.
The Worries of the future.

My life would probably be better if I slowed down, that is, be more appreciative of the present moment. Due to what I beleive my past experiences have taught me, most friends and experiences are temporary only. Your closest and most trusted companion are the most likely to kill you the first chance they get. The good things of the flesh are temporary and only the things of the spirit remain true: however, I operate in a mortal world and live by mortal laws narrated by mortal worries. Maybe one day I'll find rest on the shores of Zion and bathe in the power of the sun, but until then I'll be paddling upstream in my canoe singing Redemption Songs, striving to make dreams come true and live a life I imagined for myself. But maybe that's it, maybe there's something missing or unsolved in my self-imagined life. I need some time, a moment to look inside and see where my life is going, and dream, have visions that will manifest and become my now. Good Things. Good things which beareth good fruits.

I know something is missing. Something's not right. The cypher is not complete. I demand an explanation. I demand an epiphany. I demand a change.