And so it is

It's been a long 2 weeks without dancing. I thought I'd wanted a longer break, but one week alone is far enough of a break for me.

So I came here today to write about what I want. There's much confusion circling through my life, and has been spiraling through my soul ever since I returned from Ailey and got cut from the edge auditions. It's the same question I've been asking for over a year now "Am I really Cut out for dancing?" .

It's the first day of the new year, 2010. I'm 21. I have a scholarship to a ballet school. I'm single. I have a few friends I can trust. I don't have a job. I live with my mom. And now I can say that I don't smoke by myself, nor drink by myself. I can also say that I'm neither a porn nor video game addict, and I have a car that can get from point A to point B, even though it's not effective in attracting girls to it.

Many times I think about my future. My mom is getting old. She crashed her car today. It's the second time she crashed her car in the last 2 weeks. She's still on meds. Still an insomniac. And still working her ass off so she can support me. She's almost 60 and doesn't have any money to retire on, because it all goes to me.

If I was younger, I wouldn't question my commitment to dance, I'd do it. But I'm 21 and have greater concerns than simply homework. When I was younger I wanted to dance, but I didn't know where, or how, and I didn't have a car, and trust me, I've taken many 3 or 4 hour long bus treks and find myself stranded in places where buses have gone out of service, or id end up walking miles and not come come til after midnight. After I got my car I went anywhere I wanted: Malibu, Hollywood, Long Beach, Downtown, Rampart, The Westside, Bigbear, K-town. Even though it had a dent that was so large it caved in the entire right side of the car and turned it into a 1-seater, I loved the feeling of freedom, that I was eventually robbed of when people harassed me and felt like they had to yell at me due to the appearance of my car.

And I thought my plan would have worked. I thought I was going to train at Santa Monica College, then transfer to a University as a Dance Major, get my degree, and from there live on as a successful artist. But that didn't happen. I'm trying to do it again, and take it all step by step, but I feel like I'm far too old for it now.

I no longer hear telling people about how talented I am. No longer hearing words of encouragement like "you got that "it", or "youre going to go far and do great things", or "keep going I beleive in you". But then again maybe it's hard to beleive in someone who doesn't believe in theirselves. I wish I could beleive in myself, I really do, but I feel like I have too many strikes against me to keep going:

1. I'm 21
2. I need to get a job
3. I have problems with my body
4. My mom needs someone to take care of her

If i had but years ahead of me to hone my technique and build my body, and make those big decisions, I would worry less. But I don't. I don't want to be 24 living with my mom because I decided to dance and can't make any money. I don't have amazing extensions or flexibility. My jumps arent amazingly high and I don't have amazing muscular genetics.

And so I sit in front of the mirror. Analyzing myself, judging myself, but not beleiving in myself. I don't know what decisions to make. What I'm doing out of heart, out of selfishness, out of logic.

Logically I should stop dancing and get a job, move out, get a car, support myself. But then what? What will be the juiciness of life? What will be the passion? I feel as if my passion has already passed. I know it's still there, but my trip to New York crushed it, and training everyday with the younger, yet better, dancers at the ballet school took it away. I take class with children. Children. Not young adults like I.

If I could find that sweet juicy passion and trust it, maybe I will begin to beleive again, but I feel as of now the odds are against me and I should just throw in the towel and give up. I hate thinking like this. I've been thinking like this for over a year now. Maybe it's time for me to stop and find a new place to begin. I'd hate to see these castles I've been in the sky collapse. I'd hate to hear the songs that I've wanted to make a peice to but never did. I'd hate to watch the dancers better than me, wondering if I could've been that person if I only beleived in myself.

I wish God would tell me what is right for me to do, but he is silent on this issue, or I just can't hear him. Maybe I'd feel better if I had gotten that job right by the studio, and was able to work and dnace at the same time, and maybe even finish up school as well. But that's not the case. I've applied to over 30 places in the last 3 weeks and I've gotten no success. I filed for unemployment but I didn't qualify. My mom's health is deteriorating. Who's gonna be there when she can't help herself anymore?

Perhaps I should give this thing up. My mom's worked hard enough for me to have a chance, and at this point I'm alot more well off than others. It might be that time for me to give back and do my part to help my Mom. About these things I feel not striking passion, but I do feel like it may be the moral and responsible thing for me to do. I feel like once I put away my dancing shoes, the adventure will be over.

It's just I've put so much into dance, and to not dance would be giving in to a slow painful death. I feel like nothing in this world will compare to that feeling of dancing, and getting better, and making friends, and going places, and being on stage, and impressing people, and making people smile. Everything else would merely fall short of that feeling, and life would lose its incredible substance that it has when I dance.

Two years ago I stayed up all night and went to the beach to dance under the sunrise. I had sleepless night because all I could think about was dancing, and thoughts of dance would wake me up because it surged my body with energy. I try to recreate that feeling now, but the feelings of self-doubt and shame limit me from experiencing it again.

So I wrote here today, because I really need to know what I want out of my life. Where do I want to go? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be?

- I want to be independent and able to live without needing my mother's help.

- I want great physical health that will enable me to continue to keep dancing and take my skill level to a very high caliber. Even if I don't have the greatest ballet technique, I want to be able to perform and entertain exceptionally well.

- I want a great mental attitude that will allow me to discipline myself to live the life that I desire. To allow me to concentrate in dance, successful friendships, and monetary resources.

Simply put I want to dance while still making enough money to be independent and be able to support my mom when she needs the help.

There are deeper questions, like whether my body is cut out for it, or if I even have the talent for it, but I know there are right things I should be doing in this path I chose, and I'm not doing it. I don't feel like I'm on any particular path anymore, just struggling through the rough. It's hard for me to judge.

I'm going to talk to the director of the ballet school, and to some old dance teachers of mine, and see what they think.