I feel like I'm falling

But I dont feel like I'm dropping, I feel like I'm falling in style, otherwise known as gliding, and it's these winds that blow against my heart that keep me afloat, and the wings of freedom, of hope and positivity, that keep me sailing through the winds, and it's all so nice.

Everything is everything.
I know it's been hard for me to find a job, but each attempt seems to keep teaching me a bit more; whether it's my lack of professionalism, or amount of confidence I have, or what external and inter stimuli push me to do a certain things, or what discourages me. Sometimes I can't get what I want right away. Sometimes it has to become a journey, an adventure. I know that as long as I am trying, I will be okay, and there's no reason to panic. I'm not going to be homeless, I'm not going to die, I will simply have to live without those things I am able to live without.

Synapse turned out to be a fruitful endeavor. What helped most of all was learning to dance with a dynamic, to work on intention, and to work on my energy, focus, feeling, and acting. The other fruits also included the cool people I've met there. It's made me so happy to have a chance to be cheerful and energetic and charismatic backstage. The people I met there are fun to be around and I look forward to seeing them tomorrow. I don't know how long they'll be around, but I'll try my best to love them while theyre here, even if they break my heart.

It's a great thing to do something good for yourself, turn around, and then thank yourself for doing that. In a bikram yoga class the teachers stopped to remind us to thank ourselves for coming to yoga. Since then I thank myself for every positive thing I do for myself and others. Going to Agape every Sunday has helped me alot. It is so important to saturate ourselves with vibrations of positivity, and love, and a want for more love and positvity. Going there uplifts my soul and gives me an inspiring outlook on the rest of the week. I look forward to returning this sunday. I've also been consistent with doing Yoga every sunday too. That's just what my sundays are for: church, yoga, cleaning my car, cleaning my house, cleaning my mind, and preparing for the week.

It's also funny how there are more women in my life, and it's so amazing to be around them. I still don't have a set of straight male friends, but it's okay, I'll get them when I need them, I'm appreciative of all the friends I have already. I know that maybe my actions might seem a little polygamous, but I vowed no commitment to anyone, although there is one that I really like. I guess I've grown to close, and have grown to become accustomed to loss, that I investion in a loss-prevention program by subsituting quantity over quality. I've never submerged into my infatuation in a long time. My last girlfriend never had me infatuated, I just grew to love her. I don't know what the future holds, so until then I just want to invite as much love into my life as possible without hurting too many people in the process.

Sinking so low these last few months has taught me a lot. I don't know how much longer I will be feeling this good. Its might all come back down to that low place, but I've been to that low place, and I'm okay with it, as long as I keep living and moving forward. Or it might all get even better, and I may arrive to an even higher place. If that's the case I should make sure I never forget where I came from, and appreciate everything I have. I want to appreciate everything I have, because one day I could lose it all, and I already know what it's like to suffer loss.

Things so simple as keeping the mind busy, and praying, and exercising make such a great difference. I'm so happy to be dancing at the Lauridsen Ballet Centre, just sometimes I wish to myself I could have started at a young age.

I went to Deep for the first time last week. I finally jumped into that dream I had. I'm finally 21 and I'm free. And I was there with that special person I met. I'm jus afraid that it wont last, or that it's not what I hope it is. But I wont hold my breath, even if it doesn't work out, at least I still had a few good memories to paint on top of the canvas of my life.

I just hope that I can keep my friend close while theyre here, even though I've been told that people are like seasons, and people come, and people go, all for different reasons. Life has shown me, in the past few years, one of the most invaluable and infinite joys in life, friends. I hope my heart remains loving and open, for it is love that revitalizes every bone in my body--and the love from God that is within me.

There is so much I want to share with this world. Sometimes I doubt that I'll be able to be a good dancer or choreographer, and thats okay if I can't, but I've got to at least try, and grow, and live, and learn. Like I said before, sometimes reaching a goal can be a journey and adventure with the most unexpected routes, and definitenly not always the most convenient ones, but I beleive that there's something out there for me, and I'll find it.

So I just have a few goals for the week:
1. Apply to 4 jobs a day. Consider internships.
2. Wake up early and get stuff done.
3. Now that you've been doing your hot baths, eating protein, and taking your vitamins, take your stretching a little deeper when you get home after class.
4. Work on your Passe's and plies on one leg
5. Write out or type out your dance notes
6. Save some money to take her out
7. Wash sheets
8. Apply to Csulb
9. A yoga class to make up for the one you missed
10. Read the book you've been given at Agape
11. No more than 5 days of smoking
12. No more than 3 days of drinking

Remember that low place. Humility like darkness reveals the heavenly lights.