Love Rain

I really don't know where I am, but I'm feeling alright, so Imma just try to flow with it.
It's a blog, or well, my dance journal to be honest, so I'll try to talk about what I'm doing with dance
And now the urge to walk away to distract myself with something else comes up, guess this explains why I don't update this anymore.
Shit
I don't do much
unless it entertains me or others.
Kinda like that concept of all human behavior based on either 1. gaining rewards, or 2. avoiding punishment. You know, like eating, we do it to avoid starvation/lack of energy or to basque in the pleasure of taste, the same with going to sleep, hollering at girls to avoidlonliness or have fun, etc..,.

I'm trying to get past some crazy shit that went down with my ex in SD the other weekend. If you wanna know more about it read my facebook notes. Well, I dont think anyone reads the blog besides me anyways, lol.

I had my auditions for Dominican University today. I wasn't planning on even applying there in the first place until a classmate recommended it to me. I knew they were a ballet-based insitution, and at the time my ballet skills quite mediocre. I applied anyway--who knows what the fuck can happen. One thing I do know however, I'm not getting into that school. The audition was like the most difficult ballet class I've ever taken. Since the choreography was taught so fast, and my familiarity with ballet still at a beginner level, I wasn't able to MOVE because I was thinking about what the goddamit hell the fucking choreography was the whole time.

Even though I looked like shit, I held it down until until the last 10 mins of the 2-hour auditions. After the petit allegros, and me looking like I was completeley lost, not to mention I didn't even display much techique cause it was all so unfamiliar to me, I left. Got my shit and just left. Of course I cried, but at the same time, I didn't expect them to accept me anyway. Their website said that applicants should at least be advanced level ballet students. I'm still a beginner due to improper training I've had, and because I spent so much time fucking around and having to fuck with school and work all the time. Actually, I sort of didn't even want to go to these auditions, I knew it would be a waste of my time. Sadly, my morale is low, and I'm not very confident about my NYU and Fordham auditions. I know they're hard programs to get into, but I want superior training. I dont want to be mediocre. I just started dancing. I wish I danced younger. It's sad to say, but I fear I'll never be a great dancer, at least with stage dancing.

And it is greatness that I desire. I just want to be great at something. If I had kids, I'd tell them that whatever they do, be the best at it--however, it doesn't come out of nowehere, and one's idea of greatness differs from another's. Plus, my lifestyle doesn't fit the ideal path to greatness. I live somewhat like a slob. I fuck around on the computer most of my time at home. I drink. I smoke weed. I don't meditate, do yoga, read, or write as much as I used to--although I do try to write rhymes and thick, dense collections of thought now and then. Matter of fact, last semester got me so fucking burnt out that I don't read at all anymore. I can't spend time stretching like I used to cause some shit got fucked up in my left hip--before it was my left ankle--and because I've been walking funny, my back is tense as well.

Maybe my body just isn't cut out for dancing. I think about this a lot. I'm always getting injured, or hurting this, or fucking up that. Most of my movements look akward--but maybe I just need more repititon to fix that. I'm too much of a lazy fuck to practice those 'little things' you do at home, like practicing your arabesque, or trying to get you grande jetes higher, or doing turnout exercises. I was doing so good, then somewhere along the way it all just went downhill. It was when I got injured and couldnt do shit. I kicked it with other dancers who smoke, and I kicked it with my girl at the time, who drank, and I'd come home stressed the fuck out, and I'd want to do nothing more than drink and get on the computer for some effortless entertainment. And that's fucked me up more than anything. I don't eat raw anymore, or feel in touch with nature and all the new age hippy stuff.

All this speculation on what I was, and how what I was isn't what I am, and nothing but fear and doubt on what I will be. I was pretty pissed teh other week, about how I keep hurting myself, and my homegirl Olivia tried to talk to me and lighten me up. Bless her 4 dat. She told me that maybe other aspects in life are affecting dance and my body used for dance. She reminded me of what a BBoy once said, something like, if you can hold it down in a battle, you can hold it down in life, you have to able to complete the cyper, that is, to complete the circle of life. To be complete in all part of life, whether it be family, knowledge, spirituality, health, wisdom, art, exploration, pleasure, love, prospects, etc. The pastor of a church I used to attend once said "The weakest link determines the strenght of the chain"

Maybe I need to start going to church again. I've gone through my phases, finished a course in the Philosophy of Religion, and have studied other religions, even athiest spirituality (ie Alan Watts, Ram Dass, Etc). However, metaphysics really serve no purpose to us other than mere speculation, what really matters is how we feel and experience life, how we feel connected to god. I don't care about facts or fictions, I care about instrumentalism, I care about what works to make life better. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I stopped going to church 4 years ago because I started working on Sundays, but I also stopped going cause I'd disagree with the pastors here and there, but even the pastor encouraged us to seek out for answers on our own if there was something we disagreed with or didn't understand. However, Pastor Price did cross the line a few time, but his teaching at the time did greatly revolutionize my life for the better.

I must admit, I do seek material gain. I do want a cars, money, bitches, clothes, jewlery, fame, status, power, ownership, property, and more recently, guns. And in this state of increasing desire, I've not really gotten much happier. I bathe in my covetousness daily. My music taste has changed from dudes rapping about chilling on the block and having love pouring into their hearts from heave, and instead I listen to music about violence, making money, raising your status, struggle, and success. I guess i simplys embraced a music that related to my experiences.

I just feel, sometimes, that I'm making the wrong decision by choosing to dance. I love it, I really do, put I just don't think I have to potential sometimes. If i felt that I could be great, theses thoughts wouldn't invaded my happiness. But doubt is destroying me from within, and I just seek some sort of gratification that I'll actually make it, but I can't find it, maybe I have to find it in myself, I just don't feel like looking for it.

For some time, well, maybe a few days, I've been entertaining this concept of a new life. Kind of like what the immigrants wanted when they sailed over to NYC. I want a new life. I want to get out of LA, away from all the bullshit of my past, away from the things holding me down, away from the constant everyday repititons and traffic. The problem is, that wherever I go, I'll still always be me, so in that, I also want to be a different person. I don't know. I guess I just don't really like who I am right now. I'm lazy (yet I know I'm far more hard working than plenty of other people my age), and I'm just not confident enough to truly express greatness. I claim that I love Bboying and house dancing, and in fact I do, but everytime I get in a cypher, it mildy freaks me out and fucks with my head a bit--many times I get a shortness of breath, get disoriented, and alot of time kick or hit people standing around th cypher. More than ever these last few months I've been feeling nothing but downright absurdity; strong feelings of inferiority. Perhaps I'm just being a perfectionist, but I think I'm just tired of being a fucking wierdo, and just fucking shit up, I want to do shit right, and do it well. Its how you do shit that counts.

I really want to step my game up. Get more money, pay shit off, move out, get a nicer car, start fucking with more beautiful women, clothe myself with better attire. These are fleeting pursuits, I know, but at a certain point people want to change their lives. I'm tired of driving this peice of shit car around, wearing the same shit all the time, not being able to do shit cause I don't have any loot, speaking and acting in ways that make me appear to be awkward or absurd. Maybe I just need some self-empowerment. I really need to change my lifestyle, but I just can't seem to do it, maybe I just don't want to.

But hey, if we can have a Black President, then maybe I should do anything. I've abandoned the possibility of suicide due to my love for my mother, I made my mind up that after she dies, she should be able to live through me, so that her pain and efforts to support me have not gone in vain. So at least I know I'll be here for a little while.

I still have 2 more auditions coming up. If I don't get in perhaps I'll just pursue commercial dance. Just because I don't get in anywhere doesnt mean I have to stop dancing, but it will greatly halt my college career--I need a fcuking degree already, I'm over this shit. I kind of just wanna work and dance.... or just dance and school, but all three, man, there's no room for fuckups.

I got into this whole dance thing in a sort of leap of faith. What I realized over time is that, one can leap, but they've got to have a decent foundation to leap from. the same goes for dreaming and visualizing. Visualization is just part of the process, the rest is putting in hard work. Putting foundations under our castles in the sky. I just hope I make it past the strange little dip im in, and emerge the dancer/writer/choreographer I want to become. It'll all work out, hopefully. Til then, I need to hustle--its all c.r.e.a.m. and pennies.

but really
its all about love,
actually.