Where I'm at.

Some time ago I found a golden feather
in the prisons of my mind.
Walls reinforced by my habit
and a bar for every sin.
I heard that when you find a golden feather
it means youll never
lose your way back home.

I don't know who I'm becoming.
Perhaps I've been mislead or discouraged along the way.
I've not waited like a dog but more like a cat,
onto the next thing of instant pleasure.

My habits and my desires oppose each other.
Let me rephrase that.
My flesh is overcoming my spirit
The soul is willing but the flesh is weak
I've given in to my primitive and have begun sacrificing my higher pursuits in the process.
Yet
I agonize over my losses
yet I welcome the distractions.
The higher things I desire
don't match up with the things I do.
I allow my lower desires to reign.
And thus I become and idol worshipper
for it is my stomach that I obey.

I've lost the plot.
A degree, transferring, choreographing, and becoming a more technically skilled and versatile dancer seem like dreams that are so far away
that they aren't worth striving for anymore.
My faith has been shipwrecked and I'm waiting for a rescue boat.
But there is none.
Not until I shoot a flare, or blow a whistle
will they send for me.
I need to let the world know of my mistakes and want for a clean slate.

A clean slate.
A blank canvas.
An empty bowl.
A new beginning.

But the law of entropy
the second law of thermodynamics
states that the universe is becoming more and more chaotic.
That the the entropy of the universe is constantly increasing
like no matter how much I try to clean my room, I'm only making it messier.
Like no matter how much I try to erase a drawing, I'm only adding more to it.
Like no matter how much I try to change and go back to the better person I used to be, the more I'm becoming different from that person.

Maybe it is best if I push past the past.
And keep my golden feather in my hand.
Fear can hold you prisoner
Hope can set you free.
Doubt will never allow me to
live to my dreams.

I have to ask myself
what I really want
and empower my spirit
to get in front
cause my appetite for destruction
will be glad to lead
but I must overcome temptation
and tell my ego to leave.

The light seems less
enlightening
when I close my eyes and
visualize it.
The goals of my future
don't make my heart beat
as much.

But I know what I want
and I guess I've hit a wall.
So let me keep on digging, or climbing
or hope the shit falls
when the time has come
and I'm still here
and so is dance
and then ill
stop the bullshit
and do things right
i just hope everything will
be alright
seek first
the kingdom of heaven
and the rest
shall be added
unto you.

peace.