Shine

So about 3 weeks ago I went Snowboarding at Big Bear and the conditions were really bad. While up there I fell back and slammed the back of my head on a metal funbox/rail. Luckily I was wearing a helmet, but since then I haven't felt the same. I get random headaches and have a hard time with things when I'm upside down.

But onto the real issues:
I'm enrolled in Modern 5, Ballet 3, Fundamentals of Choreography, Philosophy of Religion, and have auditioned for and successfully made it in Folkorico de SMC and Synapse Dance theatre (both of SMC's dance companies). For Folklorico I will be dance in the Brazillian, African, Aztecan, and Hip-Hop Dance peice. And For Synapse I will be choreographing my Modern/House peice.

All was going well. I was rockin that shit, but I've been having a harder time sleeping because I keep twitching before I go to sleep when I think about dancing, and it keeps me awake. I know doing yoga and meditating will releive this but I am not yet that disciplined.



One of the things I fear more than anything. But where does this fear come from? It is there fear or lacking, the fear of thinking that I am too old, to young, too unexperienced, or have too much competition to achieve. But why would I think I have competition? It comes from the flawed belief that there simply isn't enough of something in the world, as if the night sky had no more room to fit enough stars, as if the ocean did not have enough water for my thirst, as if there wasn't enough air to stretch my arms toward the heavens. "Abundance is scooped from abundance, yet abundance still remains". I observed, wrote about, danced about, and made choreography about the sea this past week, and yet I have to keep remembering that abundance will always remain, and that our thoughts and energy are still connected to that infinite source.

Why compete? Why act on that belief that there simply isn't enough time or that I won't get enough ideas or that someone will have better ideas before me? As long as I remain connected to the source and beleive in the good things of this world, those things will keep washing along the shores of the walk on the beach that is my life. We barely use any of our minds, and most of our self is still undiscovered. Nature speaks to us so much through water: how every living thing on the planet thrives with water, how the sweetest and most abundant fruits are also the juciest, how the plants and animals of the land thrive where rain and rivers are abundant, how it comes down from the sky and eventually returns to it's source--the ever abundantly vast ocean.

I've stopped visualizing my dreams and desires and have instead considered myself to be a victim of outside circumstances. Instead of taking the time to go inside and alter my thoughts, I've chosen to focus on the exterior and manipulate the physical world around me, when in fact, my thoughts aren't registering on the same current as the ideal behind my actions.

I need some time to go within--not just a one night stand either, I need to swim in my soul and find out what I really feel, and what I really want, and indefinitely be grateful for what I have. Let me stop letting the feeling and thoughts of the past come back to create mental blocks, let me focus of my dreams.

So what if I don't become the greatest this, or the best at that--at least I have bliss and sanity. Tonight I went into one of my old black writing books and found a passage I wrote about my dislike towards people who "...take indecent advantage of their god-given gifts and abilities for their own selfish ambitions". I notice I'm still increasing in skill, and vanity had begun to take it's place in my doings. I must abandon it and pursue the things that truly give me bliss, and re-evaluate the things that I'm involved in and make sure I have a moral and/or virtuous purpose for doing such things.

*----I was about to type a negative experience, and my complimentary conclusion towards it, but typing the negative experience at all will probably reinforce the negative feeling associated with it, so for now I will give it no mention until I am resolved that it is safe for my well-being to do so.





We all want to be a star, but only one Sun illuminates us all.

I love the word Shine. When I close my eyes and embody the word it makes my skin tingle. I can't elaborate much, shining is just what I want to do. I want to be that reflection on the sea, that illumination behind the stained glass.

So as I do that, here are some vids my dad shot of me playing around in Sedona. PEACE!