Thereafter

I tiptoe on the edge of depression
and flirt with thoughts of suicide
when I slip.

I want to live on the edge
because I'll take up too much room
otherwise.

Fame and Skill and Talent and Respect.
Routes to friendship, to love, recognition
and a satisfaction of being.

But I have been let down.
Still not as good as aI want to be.
Still unable to conquer my inhibitions and anxieties that have recently been resurrected.
Not in the position to set my sights on what I want and shoot to kill.
None of my friends dance like I do.
No crew. No homies or homegirls to hit the jams or practice spot with.
All on my own. Solo. So low. So lonely.
Independent yet ignorant.
What worth is dancing well if you can only dance well on your own?
Why impress the unexposed? Yet be inferior in the eyes of the experienced?

Am I fake?
All this interest and exposure came to me via interent.
I wasnt introduced to it physically, nor did any of my friends ever do it.
It was part of my 8th grade effort to stray away from the common flow of influence and do something completely different.

But now where am I?
Who am I? What do I do and what shall I become?
I want do dance, break, house, whatever.... i love the underground raw shit.
But I don't attend many underground events.
Nor do I associate much with those who do
except on rare occasions.

But the again:
I am a full-time student
and a part-time employee
and it isn't completely my fault that I haven't ended up in the flows and cyphers that I wanted to be in.
I don't go out late
and I dont smoke, drink, or do drugs
although I really could use a fat joint right now.

I miss dancing from the soul.
So much I concentrate on technique and cleanliness these days
because I just don't like looking
wack.
But it felt so good just flowing with the music
and putting the mind body and all all together
like I do at raves or opportunities to simply get down and feel the funk
and feel the music.

There's a lot of re-awakened fear in me.
Fear of failure.
Fear of the future.
Uncertainty and fear of having to repeat or face hardships.
And the fear of rejection.
I'm tired of rejection. I know the feeling all to well and I'd rather keep my dignity and hold a credible reputation
than to face rejection and be scorned by my peers.

I'm not as brave
as I maybe once was before.
Because I've delt with the feeling of being the inferior one
the unliked, uncared for, the burdensome member of a group of people
who would feel no different if I were to suddenly die or disembody the group.
I'd rather have that slight sense of belonging, than to be lost and wandering.
To be beggar of friends and opportunty and favor.

This is what I found good about being institutionalized.
It is that I can be fostered and developed in a specific environment
and apply that stage of development to my life
and interpretation of it thereof.
However,
such institutionalization has produced a comfortable shelter for me, so much that I am unwilling to venture far beyond it.
No, I'm not sheltered,
but I do fear venturing into that which I am unaware of, and that which doesn't flow for me in a serendepitous manner. I like being in the right place at the right time
as opposed to randomly stubling upon something that doesn't belong to me,
or receiving that which I have not earned,
or being in a place not fitting for me.

I should be easier on myself.
But being easy leads to laziness.
I dont know the solution, but I
want to survive and live a better life.