Tragedy

I wanna say that I made my dreams come true.
I want to say that I went to New York, and had an amazing experience, and found a school for me, and received the greatest training ever,
I wish I could say that everything went fine, and I tried my hardest, and got up for every class, and spent my time off stretching and training.
I wish I could say that the people there loved me, and that me and my roomates got along.
I want to think that there is a chance for me in the future.
I wish I could say that I made the auditions I tried out for.
I wish I could say that I spent every night stretching, eating healthy, doing yoga, being righteous, doing my physical therapy exercises.
I want to say that I stayed consistent in all my classes, and didn't sleep in, or stay at home, or be lazy.
I want to say I tried my hardest and that God made many ways for me in New York.
That I spent my free time focused on dance and made numerous connection.


But I didn't.


I didn't get into any of the schools I applied to.
I don't have a job.
I didn't get into the Certificate or Fellowship program at Ailey.
I didn't get into the Edge Scholarship Program.


So now what do I do?
It'll be a year til any of the universities accept new students. I don't have any money to pay for open classes, and it's not like they train technical dancers anyway.

I think I might call it quits and just start working.
I'm tired of seeing my Mom have to work so hard to support a lazy son that can't do anything right.
I don't know if I'm hard working enough for this dancing thing anyway, even though I love it.
I'm not gay. I don't fit in with most contemporary dancers. I don't have years of technical training. I'm not young with homework being my only care.


I did get into Antics Performance though. And I'm going to be performing in about a month. But I want more. I want to do it bigger, and with more skill, and with more technique; but I don't know if I'm capable.

I'm too scared, too lazy, too troubled.