Mediocre

Damn son it's been awhile.
gettin' down broken body
pullin' out my style.
on the mainstream flow
go where I don't know.
every week
driving up to the studio.
trying something new;
gotta have something to do.
hiphop and house
do it just for fun.
got serious
ever since i popped my thumb.
return to practice
now I'm back to square one:

A coworker once told me I need to be humble and slow down, I told her "It's hard to stay humble when you're trying to be the shit". For awhile I haven't been able to break due to an injury, and because of that I've invested more time in learning to housedance and do hip-hop choreography. And of course in the midst of it all, it felt good to do, and was fun, but when it came time to match my skills with the other dancers, I proved myself to still be a mediocre dancer. Not in hip-hop only, but in all the dance forms I practices; it was just sometimes fun to get off on my own hype--I've grown not to enjoy dance as much if i'm not the shit at it, skill and technique has became a necessity. I miss dancing for fun, but now is the time to build, build, and build my way up among the clouds. I just hope i didn't make any fuckups in my architecture as I also hope to work out the kinks in my structure so that it all doesnt crumble down and cause me to start all over.

It's just that I've been trying so hard (even though I couldve tried harder) to be a good dancer, to really be skileld at what I'm doing, but I feel that due to my inhibitions, lack of resources, injury, unfamiliarity, and laziness, I'm still mediocre--at or below average level. Even though I may be better than most dancers, I'm still not anywhere near the Elite.

Some wonder why it's such a big deal to be elite.

It's a goal.

Who wants to learn choreography or get down in the cyphers if youre not killing it, if youre not getting a response from the people, if you arent getting loved and respected for what you do.

I trained my ass off in breaking and house. and when it came time to show n prove in the cyphers, the circles broke off and I was alone on the floors once again.

Dance is no longer a singular art form to me. It's impossible to get very skilled and motivated on your own, and it's pretty hard to be happy with your movements without the gratification of others--hence my insecurities.

Still,
just keep workin my ass off
trying to get a good sleeping pattern
healthy meals
friends that dance
and enough self-discipline to practice on my days off.

it's late:
4am with an interview tomorrow. at 10
Good job.